Not My Story – Part 1

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul.” Psalms 66:16

Not one of us can escape from pain while living in this world; it is a part of our human experience this side of Heaven. Some of us have been through major trials from sickness, loss, and abuse, while others experience a brokenness that lingers quietly in the deep. At times, pain can leave us feeling the weight of every single breath with a suffering that can topple us into a pit, and we’re not sure how, when, or even if we can ever escape. 

If we were given a pen to write our life story, would we have written those difficult times into our narrative? 

Years ago, my family and I started attending a church when we moved to a new town. This church was great in so many ways but I was having a hard time connecting and feeling at home. Part of the challenge was the season of having three littles and my husband’s travel schedule; I was in survival mode.  Even so, I was trying to connect in different ways but it felt like doors and windows were closed all around me. I felt lonely and isolated.

Since childhood, church had been a place of belonging. I had always been involved with youth groups, retreats, mission trips, bible studies, and various activities within the church.

But while trying to find my place at this new church was something I had never experienced before. I struggled with feelings of deep sadness from loneliness; I cried many tears, caved into self-loathing, doubt and grew angry in my heart. I was fighting against this new place and I was miserable. My hubby was willing to change churches but for some reason we didn’t feel led to leave.

After six years, I finally stopped fighting. I began to clue in that perhaps God was trying to do something here. He certainly had my attention. I began to pursue God with this struggle and he began to expose within me something deep.

Idols.

These idols that gripped my heart were actually good and godly things. But friendship, belonging and connection were of greater importance to me and were weaved into the sinful parts of my fleshly heart. My idols fueled my security and fed my pride; I was not getting any of my desires met from church. Ugh! Amazing how I can react when I don’t get what I want.

God was trying to expose something else in the depths of my heart. It was painful. I started to see my sin intricately woven with past pain and it was deeply embedded in the fibers of my heart. I would have never seen nor faced it had I not been in this lonely, stripped place. 

By no means was my circumstance with church tragic, but the unexpected pain I experienced during this season led me to a broken place that this sinful world had written on my pages years ago. Had I ignored or run from the present pain with my church, I would have missed out on a deeper issue God wanted me to face hidden in the cracks of my heart. I needed healing and I needed to repent. For another day…         

Not My Story – Part 2